I hate toilets.
Yes, I know we need them. Yes, I know how to use one. Yes, I’ve hugged a few in my lifetime. But that doesn’t mean I have to like them.
I’ve mentioned before that we live in a century home. That means it’s over 100 years old, and the plumbing is probably original to the house. When we bought the house, it came with two evil toilets.
The upstairs toilet was the worse. Oh, it had us fooled with its pretty blue color, but I eventually caught on. You didn’t dare get up and go in the dark in the middle of the night, or the seat 
would be mysteriously up, and you’d take a water plunge. No one in this house leaves the seat up. No one. It was the evil toilet slipping its seat up in the night.
Then it took a lean. Literally. There is wallpaper in the bathroom with a tiny flower pattern in straight rows. The back of the toilet was lined up perfectly with a row of flowers. One day I noticed the toilet was a little lower than the flowers on the right side. Over the course of a year, the toilet leaned more and more until it was two rows of flowers lower on the right side than the left. You had to sit sideways to use it.
Thank goodness my husband is a man who can do anything … when he’s good and ready. The evil toilet was removed, floor boards replaced, and a brand spanking new white model that could flush a sweater arrived. It has a magical seat that closes hydraulically in an ever-so-quiet motion. No more catching the back of your pajamas on the seat and having it bang in the middle of the night.
However, the evil spirit from the upstairs toilet moved into the downstairs toilet. Go ahead, give it a flush. Works perfectly, doesn’t it? That’s what it wants you to think. The next guy who goes 
in there and flushes runs the risk of the toilet overflowing. The second guy must always be prepared to be the plunger guy. Run the washing machine? Oh yeah, the downstairs toilet has a fit, and the water does freaky things and sometimes looks like it’s boiling. Go back in there and flush it again just for kicks. The kitchen sink gurgles. That’s cute.
Want to come to our house to visit? We’d love to have you, but if you have to use the toilet, please run down the street to the McDonald’s.
Hubby and I were lying in bed the other night. It was that really quiet time just before you drop off to sleep. But then there was a noise that was killing me. I had to get up, close the bathroom door, and turn on a fan in the bedroom so there would be ambient noise to drown out the offending noise.
The faucet in the bathtub was dripping.
http://www.worldtoilet.org/wto/
Even though I hate toilets, I have done my part today to promote awareness for all of the people in the world who don’t have toilets.
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We have no idea. It never happens.
My blog is rated PG. Add your own love/hate toilet story … or add some toilet humor!
Breezy Books 
That was funny… well, maybe not for you.
Here in Norway a lot of places still have out-houses. WE DON’T!!! But we went skiing a few winters back and stayed in a cabin that only had an out-house. I was NOT a happy camper!!!
An outhouse is an experience for sure! We camped once at a place with no electricity and only an outhouse. I had to go out there in the middle of the night. I was so scared and so creeped out, when I left to go back to the cabin, I ran like the wind and nearly killed myself when I ran into an empty clothesline. I understand where the saying comes from!
I took one look at the outhouse and told my husband we could only stay for three days, because thats the longest I could hold (it)…As far as the (other goes) I tried not to drink to much. It was a long three days… Ha!
Oh, Maggie! That’s funny. I would rather go in the woods! Less spiders that way. 😉
LOL I am so glad I don’t live with an evil toilet although I have come across a few in my time. 🙂
The new upstairs toilet and I are getting along – for now. I think everyone has had a tussle with a toilet at some time in their lives. Thanks for stopping by! 🙂
I went and punched in “toilet” in my blog search field… I write about toilets and bathroom situations far more than I expected.
You do have a lot of toilet humor! But you have boys. If we wouldn’t have had a boy, the Best Buy story would have never happened. So maybe they contribute to your bathroom creativity. 😉
So it’s true…this World Toilet Day. I heard about this over the radio on my way to work this morning. I thought the radio jocks were only making fun of each other!
I hate toilets, too. I actually told my husband-to-be that I can do all other household chores except toilet-cleaning because that’s going to be his job. 😀
I refuse to mow the grass, so I clean the toilets. It’s a trade-off I guess. But I do hate it. You are smart to lay down the toilet rules early. 😉
Haha! I don’t know. I just can’t stand cleaning the grime of toilets, but I can make the kitchen spotless. It’s weird, isn’t it?
I’m always surprised when people talk about having the seat up or down. Where I live, many people I know use the toilet with the seat up, me included, and I’ve yet to fall in. If that is a possible indication of me having a big posterior, think again, haha. I guess you just get used to it!
Your toilet spirit does sound evil though; I would hate to be the one with the plunger!
It is what you get used to, isn’t it? When you’re used to the seat, and you expect it to be there … well, you expect to stop there, not allow gravity to take your farther into the bowl. It’s a real jolt – especially when you’re half asleep. Try it some time! 🙂 … How are you and NaNo getting along? I haven’t checked the site at all. I’m running 4700 words behind. I doubt I’ll be catching up this week, but I’ll try.
Fair enough! I imagine it’d be quite disorienting, haha.
I’m not doing well at all. Work has been brutal and my computer kept crashing, so I’m still stuck at 11k. It’ll take a miracle for me to cross the finish line.
I knew you were having computer problems. I’m not worried about NaNo. I might not make it, but at least I’ll have made a good start on the book. You might have some big writing days yet, but if not, you will have made a good dent, too. I’m just happy NaNo kick-started my writing again.
I suppose I have made a dent, but it’s still disappointing not to be able to carry on with something. At least the computer is fixed now!
Your very own toilet demons and ghosts. Perhaps you should feel honored? 😉
Perhaps. 🙂 Living in an old house is an experience. There are so many things I absolutely love about the house, but it has its own set of challenges.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life life it’s that indoor plumbing is worth any cost. 🙂
Yep! And I’m not ungrateful for it; I just hate toilets. We had a plumber look at the lines connecting evil toilet, washer, and kitchen sink. It’s a twisty-turny mess. He said the pipes were so old that any attempt to fix them might make it worse, and the cost of digging up the yard and all new plumbing would be very expensive. We’re living with evil toilet for a while longer.
That happens. Rooms and fixtures get added on to the original building, sometimes without doing it the right way. Maybe hanging some garlic or a cross or something over the toilet would help.
Ohh, you are a genius. I’m doing that before hubby gets home today. He will think I’ve gone off my rocker, but he’ll get a kick out of it. And yes, I think this kitchen and first floor laundry were added much later. How smart are you! 😉
Oh my gosh! Too funny! I love your blog.
Thanks, Charlie! You know I love yours, too. 😉
“Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We have no idea. It never happens.”
This made me laugh out loud. 🙂
It does seem to be a universal happening..! I wonder why? It hasn’t ever been explained to me..!
They can take apart a car and put it back together again, but the toilet paper holder is too complicated. It must be how their brains are wired. 🙂
Oh no. In El Salvador we didn’t have a shower or toilet. It was the oddest 3 weeks of my life. I appreciate both now. I shudder at the thought of not having one!
Oh, I agree, I don’t want to be without one. 😉 I was without water or toilet for a week during a blizzard once. I would have gladly sat sideways and plunged rather than to go through that. (Still hate toilets though.)
Oh yes – I know this one. We live in an old house that is not connected to the main sewer. We have a cess pit. But the piping down to the cess pit is on a very slight angle, so it gets blocked easily. I have to tell women visitors not to put their sanitary items down there, the kids were never allowed to learn how to wipe with those wet tissues and we still often go outside to find the overflow flooding the garden with unspeakable lumps. Mr G is not amused when there is a block as he is the one who rods the drains to fix it.
Plus, imagine having to tell visiting mums not to let their kids run over to ‘that part’ of the garden as the cess pit has flooded the lawn again.
I feel ya, Piper! As a kid, I’ve been in yards where you had to run around the “wet” parts of the yard (and sometimes forgot), and I’ve had to tell women visitors the same thing. Old houses are fun!
I had to laugh out loud with both the old house toilet stories (thinking to all our old house quirks and characters), and the toilet paper . . . in our downstairs bathroom there is a sign on the wall that says: “Changing the Toilet Paper Roll Does Not Cause Brain Damage” — necessary wall decor for every female living in a house of testosterone. ~ Kat
I came to check this out – thanks for directing me here
Thanks for stopping by!
Kat, that is a great sign! I did a quick search on the saying, and there are so many different styles of signs to choose from. Our family does “white elephant” gifts at Christmas, and some of these are cute enough for gifts.
Make sure the sewer vent is not blocked, that could do that. BTW, I am more likely to change the toiulet roll, does thi mean I am too in touch with my feminine side? Also the paper MUST hang on the outside… 😀
Sewer vent! You mean the toilet might not be evil? … Never gave it a thought, Glenno. The guys will be here to clean the gutters soon, and they’ll be up there anyway; I’ll have them take a look. Thanks. You are a good man to change the t.p. roll. Hanging on the outside is exactly right. 😉
The outside is the only way, hopefully the plumbing issues will be that simple
The idea if opening the toilet lid to boiling toilet water is shockingly horrifying to me.
Hahaha … Not heat and steam, but lots of bubbles … roiling might have been a better word. Stupid toilet.
It was a vivid description!
I’m not sure I want to meet someone who loves toilets!
Great post, though…
Good point! I suppose the people who love toilets have them in their yards with flowers planted in them. (No offense to any of my followers who have toilets in their yards with flowers planted in them.) Thanks for coming by!
I live in a house that was built in 1885, and whew, do I understand the strange, strange things that happen in old houses. You just never know what’s gonna happen from day to day. The house has character but you never know which character is going to rear it’s freaky head on any given day!
Isn’t that the truth! I’ve always loved these older, two-story houses with interesting layouts and extra rooms. I asked my husband if we would move if we ever won the lottery. He said no. I had to agree with him. This is a great old house and worth fixing the few character flaws.
Your post gave me the courage to do my own post on the “outhouse”…stay tuned…. 🙂
Oooh, goodie! Can’t wait. 🙂
I step away from the computer for one day and come back to a toilet monologue! Excellent. We had a toilet like that in our 85 year old house. It took a few years to change it out because it was the only one but boy howdy, what a difference a shiny new toitee makes!
You never know what you’re going to get here. 😉 I get tired of running up and down the stairs, but the new toilet upstairs gets my vote every time. 🙂
Outhouses aren’t all bad. Used one in the Southern Alps in New Zealand. Great sitting there with the door open – a 1,000 ft cliff directly ahead meant no surprise visitors and the view of glaciers was great when contemplating…. stuff.
Great comment! Thank you for the visual. You certainly do lead an exciting life, Huw!
Your house has such character!Loved this one!
Thanks, Pam. This house has given us quite a few adventures.
I don’t have a toilet story. But I loved yours. Old houses are lovely, I’ve often thought that when walking past them. But I imagine that having a handyman in the house is a necessity. Lucky you, Maddie.
I don’t take it lightly that he is handy. I was once stranded in a shopping plaza parking lot when my car broke down. My husband left work, drove the 45 minutes to me, and slipped a pair of coveralls on over his good clothes. The hood was up, and he was on his back on the ground working under the engine. A man and woman walked by and looked at him and then to me. I said, “My mechanic makes house calls.” They were duly impressed and walked on. 🙂
Brilliant, Maddie! We always seem to run into toilet issues wherever we live. I’m sure plumbers make them that way to keep themselves in business! 😀
I think you are right, Dianne! Of all the people we’ve had to call to the house for some type of repair, the plumber is number one. I hope your “new” house has good plumbing.
Love the post Maddie !!! I have 1 very old toilet from the 50’s and the other is just terrible even though it is a newer toilet (it’s suppose to be a water saver toilet); if you put too much paper in it sad to say it clogs. We’re having both replaced in the spring, I can hardly wait. I’m looking forward to my new toilets more than I’m looking forward to going on vacation. If you have any ideas on what kind of toilet to get, I’m open to hear all suggestions. How is your writing for NaNo comig?
I don’t really have any recommendations. When we looked for ours, we read reviews, and went with one that most people were happy with. We didn’t buy the least expensive toilet, but it didn’t cost too much if I recall. Some of the more expensive toilets had far too many complaints. And this cheaper one seems to give you the ability to run more water through it than the expensive water-savers. … NaNo is coming along. I’m running at least 6,000 words behind, but I think I can catch up this weekend. It’s been an interesting experience, that’s for sure. Happy Thanksgiving, Rita Kay!
Thanks Maddie for the update on the toilets, not to sure which one we’ll go with but I have till spring to figure it all out. Happy Turkey Day to you Maddie !!!
Rita Kay, hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I took a look and ours is American Standard. Have fun shopping in the spring. 🙂
Thanks Maddie on the update on the toilet. I’m leaning towards a Toto toilet, but I still have to do more checking to make sure that is the one I want.
Toilets. I am thankful to have them. Still, I feel your pain.
I have two contributions to make on this topic. First, Japan has amazing toilet technology. They really know what they’re doing. Here’s a video that shows this: http://youtu.be/GTguf8ZlAyc
Second, here’s a post I wrote indicated just how behind we are as far as toilet techology goes:
Thanks for the links. I read your post and watched the video. I had no idea Japan’s toilets were so high-tech. This was certainly interesting.
Oh gawd, the water plunge. It’s just not right :S
At least you’ve given fair warning to all your potential visitors =P
Btw, thank for your recent visit to my neck of the woods! Have I asked you yet — agh, I am really hoping my memory cells have not failed me again — I’d love it if you could leave a 10-word-or-less description of your blog on my page dedicated to my readers/blogroll: http://yourdailydoseblog.com/2012/10/11/a-page-dedicated-to-my-readers-your-blogs-please-help-me-finish-it-by-describing-your-blog-in-10-words-or-less/
Thank you so much!! And good luck with the toilets!!
Janice, I’m so sorry, I completely forgot to add to your reader/blogroll. I’m putting a note on my desk and will do it soon. Thanks for stopping by!
Oh no problem! So I did ask you :S Ack, sorry didn’t mean to nag about it. Whenever you have the time, no worries! 🙂
So funny!
Your next book: Flushing Hunter! She goes to Italy and tries to use the toilets in the leaning tower of Pisa. As they say, write what you know!
My husband and i were in the kitchen fixing Thanksgiving dinner when I told him about your comment. It struck his funny bone, and we both laughed like idiots for a few minutes. I will add your title suggestion to the list – right after Zombie Hunter.
I am always happy to help! 😀
Who knew… what a riot! 🙂
Hahaha … Yes, there really is a World Toilet Day. It seems there are days for everything now. 🙂
Your blog totally cracks me up as I feel we may be living parallel lives, at least in toilet land. On my list of blog ideas is a blog about our toilet adventures. We have two naughty toilets, but we live so far out in the country that no McDonald’s bathroom is available. Perhaps a forested area?
There were days when a forested area was preferable to one of our toilets! There is always humor to be derived from toilet adventures – blog away! 🙂
This post really brought a flush to my face– especially the riddle at the end. The truth is often spoken in jest… : (
We had ancient toilets that took 10-15 minutes to reset after a flush. When we had guests, well, I’ll skip that part. Then we replaced both toilets. The first time I saw one of the newbies reset in 10 seconds flat, I thought I’d reached nirvana. Sad, but true… : P
I don’t recall giving you permission to use that picture of me at the top, but I suppose it’s OK… : )
I knew I missed a comment from you! I came back a-lookin’ and found you here by the toilets! 😉 And I thought you looked adorable up there in your Mr. Greenjeans overalls.
I was writing and publishing, so I missed wonderful stuff at your blog. I know I saw Busker go by in my reader, and I will be by soon to see what he was up to!
Happy New Year to you, Mark Armstrong! I’m happy to have met you, and that I can call you my friend! 🙂