I Adore My Husband (Part Three)

smoochesHappy Valentine’s Day!

This is the perfect day for the next installment of I Adore My Husband.

In Part One, I told how my husband is usually the adult in this relationship, and in Part Two, I shared how fantastic he is as a person. However, when it comes to our banter back and forth via email and text, there is little maturity from either of us, and we are many times out of control. He makes me laugh every day.

Without further ado, here are the sweet and loving comments that have come to me via email or text from my husband over the past few months. Notes in parenthesis are mine.

The morning greeting is always tender:

Good morning, sweetie pie. Happy November!

What time did you roll out of bed?

I hope you slept well last night.  You were making noises like a caged gorilla.

Sometimes there are comments about our Dr. Mario marathons:

I hope you got some good rest last night.  You should be sleeping quite well lately since you are going to bed the victor every night.

Christmas brought some fun notes:

I’m bringing home an imported bottle of gin and some chocolate.

I had a bite of chocolate today that cost $250k per pound.

There’s a box of meat on our porch!

Of course, there are food related notes:

I just had some pizza, chicken and jo jo’s, a coke, and a lap dance from a midget stripper.  What an awesome Friday.

No more Healthy Choice Chicken Florence and the Machine for me!  Yech.

I’ll make something special for us to snack on tonight.  Pickled heart, tongue, jerky… something.

I’m telling you, that darn stuffed cabbage and taters are the cat’s ass for lunches.  250 calories, 50 fat calories, protein AND carbs all in a lovely little package.  I darn near licked the dish out.

I put two piles of M&M’s on my desk; a pile for you and a pile for me.green_m&ms1  I’d eat some out of my pile, then eat some out of your pile then wash it down with a slug of coffee and a slug of Coke. You should have no cravings now.

He gets bored on the way home from work:

Who’s your daddy? That’s right, I AM you boiling cauldron of passion you!
(Followed immediately by):  Oops, wrong number. So sorry.

There’s an accident on 77 North, north of Rt 62, which has traffic backed up to the hospital. There’s one accident on the West side of 62 right at the 77 on ramp, and also an accident on the West side around the 30th street area.  What.The.Hell.  Roads are dry; no black ice, no nothing.  People are just insane!  Like how I used the word “just” there?

When we up in the club, all eyes on us.  (♫ ♪ ♫)

Texts from the den to my office – in the same house:

Wanna watch some Family Guy?
Wanna go upstairs and play Family Guy?
Wanna play Dr?
Wanna play any Nintendo?

You ready to vote and then come home and have a nice romantic Cheerios supper?

Image

Johnny Depp doesn’t always go to the Grammys, but when he does, he drinks Dos Equis.

Our son drives a 1984 Chevy Caprice. It needed new tires. Rich traded cars with him in anticipation of a snow storm:

I survived another ride in the pimp mobile this morning.  We thought he had girls hanging all over him because he’s a young and good-looking kid.  Boy have we been wrong!  There are still ladies outside around the car waiting to see if the driver is going to come back out any time soon.

Of course, I never tell you the things I say to him, but I’ve received these responses to a few of my texts:

I’m filing harassment charges. You’re making me uncomfortable.

You need to straighten up or I’ll be forced to put you in a home.

We were trying to determine my next hair color:

ImageHow about a really dark red?  In a French maid’s uniform with a skirt that just stops one inch below your butt.

I’m thinking you should try coal black. That would be very sexy against your fair skin.

There are random thoughts:

I bit my cheek yesterday. Bit it two more times today. Ouch.

Now that I know my vacation is officially official, I’m excited.  I think we need to fix the shower.

I used acetone to remove lines off of my white board in my office and I feel like I’ve had a beer or two.  It’s an early Super Bowl Celebration!

He still gives me a hard time about my perceived boyfriends:

Oh, I see how it is.  All your boyfriends on your blog must be busy, so now you have time for me.  Well sissy, I suggest going elsewhere.  — (I waited until very late in the day to respond to his morning email.)

Well, well, well, if you aren’t super talkative today.  Must be lip-locked with the neighbor again. — (I never responded to any of his emails on this day.)

I didn’t get cigars today and haven’t had any since this morning.  I’m ready to kill somebody.  As soon as I get home, I’m walking over to Bill’s house and punching him in the face.

Of course, his closings are always sweet:Image

I love you sweetie pah-tootie.  I hope you have a good day.

I love you, and I know you look beautiful today!

Huggs ‘n smooches!

Hugs and smooches to all of my blogger friends, too!! Happy Valentine’s Day!!

54 thoughts on “I Adore My Husband (Part Three)

  1. These are hilarious, Maddie. No wonder you could fill an entire post with them! What a card he is (erm…where’s his blog?) 😉

    He must have been with my hubby the day he wrote this one “…a lap dance from a midget stripper” LOL 😀

  2. I think I said it before and I’ll say it again, your husband is one hilariously funny man. There’s nothing better than a partner with a great sense of humour. 😉 Happy Valentine’s Day to you too, Maddie!

  3. Hello! I have lots to say!
    1: What are jo jos?
    2: Again, I want in on your Dr Mario sessions.
    3: Bill gets around.
    4: That drawing at the end – that artist is someone I know really well. I was brought up on 1960s and 70s Mad magazines and he was all through them BUT I CAN’T REMEMBER HIS NAME! Mort Drucker maybe? (Growing up in the central Australian jungles was weird.) Now I will have to look through Dad’s old Mads in a box in my garage and find out. I’ll keep you posted on this intriguing human interest story!

    • Hello, Monk Monkey.
      1. Thick potato wedges, unpeeled, seasoned – baked or fried
      2. You would love playing Dr. Mario with us, but you have to sing with the music we play, too.
      3. Bill certainly does.
      4. Jack Davis. Yes?
      Happy Valentine’s Day, Monk Monkey!! ♥

      • 1: Yummy.
        2: Funny!
        3: Gin rummy?
        4: As soon as I posted the comment, that’s what I thought too. I think Mort Drucker was a writer. The yin to Davis’s yang.
        Thank you for the Valentines wishes. We do celebrate it here in the jungle, but Mrs Monkey and I didn’t even mention it to each other I don’t think.
        Oops! Don’t tell the Monkey Pope I am married!

  4. These are great, but I’m still trying to wrap my head around “a lap dance from a midget stripper.” Maybe it’s best I don’t try…

    By the way, your husband has a knack for creating post tags it seems. Now I know who to call when I can’t come up with any. 😉

    • El Guapo, we were only married six weeks when we realized we had nothing in common. We are just about polar opposites. We’ve turned that into a great adventure of many years. Thanks for stopping by on Valentine’s day! I hope you’re having a great one! 🙂

  5. Maddie, Maddie, Maddie. I want to visit you two. We would all have a blast and pee our pants from laughing! 😉 Oh , I heard “Son of Hair” too! I swear I did! Have a wonderful Valentine’s Day! hugs from your favorite stalker!

    • Hi Jackie! We are idiots, no doubt about it. I was fighting blankets at 4:00 in the morning last night, and he was yammering about me running a reconnaissance mission on my side of the bed. He had me laughing so hard, I was crying. My family can’t believe that we “chat” with each other as much as we do, but he’s so much fun to talk with. Hope you are having a good Valentine’s Day. Sing it out loud when you hear it – Son of Hair! 🙂

      • Valentine’s day for me is like every other day. Eh. I’m so glad to see two people married for so long that still enjoy each other’s company. That is so cool! Son of Hair!! 😉

  6. Love these, Maddie! My favorite is “You need to straighten up or I’ll be forced to put you in a home.” Mr. Weebles and I have similar text conversations. I should save them and post about them too. We have a tendency to text each other even when we’re sitting literally about 2 feet apart. It’s sad, really.

    • Oh, Madame Weebles, he is such a silly man. I had to leave many of his one-liners out because they were *too* colorful for my blog, but he simply cracks me up with the things he comes up with. … Yes, you really should keep track of your texts. I put them in a word document until there are enough of them for a post. … We, too, text when in close proximity, but he’s a “chatter,” too, so it all works. Hope you had a wonderful Valentine’s Day!!

    • Thanks, Kate! He is a gem. 🙂 I haven’t seen you for a while. I must stop by and see what you’ve been up to. I hope you had a smashing (no pun intended) good Valentine’s Day. Maybe there was fodder for a blog post? 😉

  7. How can you not love a man who lovingly refers to his wife as a “caged gorilla?!” I believe I’m going to have to use that one on the husband, who kicked me the other night as if I was a soccer ball. He swears he was asleep, but you have to wonder…

    • The things he calls me!! I’m never offended; he cracks me up. Connie, he was snoring so loud one night, I gave him a hard backhand to the chest, then I quickly pulled my hand under the covers. He shot bolt upright and yelled, “What the h—?” It was all I could do to keep from laughing. I was quiet as could be. The next morning, he said something woke him up during the night, but he had no idea what it was. I waited about a week before telling him what I had done. It was pretty funny to him by then. … So yes, you do have to wonder! 🙂

  8. What a great hubby you have Maddie !!!
    I always wanted to go strawberry blonde, but for some reason my hair wouldn’t take it, (my moms real hair color was a light strawberry blonde). You should give it a try 🙂
    Wally and I don’t do anything for Valentine’s Day yikes ….. oops I almost forgot he did send me the most precious email.
    How’s the book coming?

    • Hi Rita Kay! The book is coming along, but slowly. I’ve been distracted by the new cover for Sunshine Hunter recently.
      Hubby is such a silly man. 🙂
      I used to be a strawberry blonde. I’m naturally a “dirty dishwater blonde,” and as I’ve been blonde most of my life, I’ve been thinking I’d like to go a bit darker and even on the red side. I’ll have to experiment this year.
      So nice that Wally sent you a sweet email. We don’t do anything special for Valentine’s Day, we just have fun together and laugh. Have a good weekend!!

    • Hi Juliann! I am so behind with blogs and comments! Thank you for stopping by and reading our silliness.

      I suspect you two are a lot like us. My mother says we should not be allowed in public together. When we visit with friends to play cards, I’m exhausted at the end of the evening from laughing so hard. 🙂 I’ll catch up with your blog this weekend!

  9. Funny!
    My husband is more of the strong silent type. Although if he calls in the middle of the day from work (which is rare). He always starts the conversation by singing the Stevie Wonder song, “I just called to say I love you…”

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